Standing On The Hill- Part Two

I’d like to say that I have joined the other horses in their sunny field of dreams, but that would not be true.

I am about 1/2 way down that hill and that feels pretty good!

Come into the barn with me and I will show you a bunch of horses just like me.

The bay that weaves in his stall anytime something is just a little bit stressful. Are you late with dinner? Is he hurting? We just don’t always know, do we?

Down the aisle a little bit a beautiful sorrel Irish Draft Sport Horse’s ears fall back along his head. His teeth show and his eye hardens. He would take his pain out on you if he could.

Across the hall from the Irish Death Glare you catch a glimpse of a grey OTTB cribbing despite the tight leather collar around her neck. Her teeth are a 1/4 of the length they should be and yet she mindlessly continues her obsessive behavior.

Why?

Because they have no other way of dealing with the stress, hardship and/or trauma in their lives. They depend on us to keep them safe and happy. Sometimes we do a crappy job of it but that is another story.

What do I have in common with these equines, you ask?

I am doing the best I can in a situation I did not know how to change. I am actually doing much better than these poor guys because I have tools that will help me out of these behaviors. It will just take time.

So, like these horses, I developed a “vice.” One weaves perhaps due to things in his environment he cannot control, one pins his ears and lashes out in pain, and one chews wood and sucks air to battle isolation and boredom.

Me? I eat.

I have taken off my cribbing collar, opened my stall door, actively sought help in the form of therapy, life coaching and my own inner work.

But the best thing that I ever did for myself was to STOP Dieting.

I no longer am trying to lose weight.

Do you know why?

Because my weight is a secondary symptom of a bigger issue. What bigger issue?

My Mind.

These horses have developed habits to express their pain and trauma as have I and I bet many of you have too.

I use food to feel better. Sometimes to just feel something at all. In the pits of depression food became a lifeline of sorts. When I ate, I was rewarded by a rush of energy and feel-good hormones that made turning back to food a lot easier than turning away.

Dieting became like that cribbing collar. I would eventually eat right around all of my good intentions, white knuckling, and boot strapping.

What is the better way?

Understanding the reason behind why I eat. Using thought work, affirmations, mindfulness techniques and practicing self-love to get in touch with my thoughts and feelings. Making small and sustainable challenges that are reasonable, doable and above all NURTURING to that little girl, young adult and woman that has suffered for so long.

I am no longer going to believe I am not worth love at whatever weight I happen to be. I will no longer live for “when I lose the weight”.

I live for now.

The next time I get on that diet hill again it will be because I am helping someone else like me down.

Live WISE & wonder,

What is YOUR hill?

Delena