Standing On The Hill- Part One

There are three red horses. They look like carbon copies. Two are together eating lush green grass in the middle of the field and the other is alone near an electric fence line.

The lone horse, that has somehow become me, picks the burnt and sparse grass while her tail keeps hitting the electric fence. She is standing on an awkward stretch of ground. Her hooves fighting for purchase on a strange little clay hill that was never meant to stand on. She stretches and contorts herself for the worst grass the field has to offer. She doesn’t seem to know there is any other way.

My eyes wander over to the two red horses eating a beautiful buffet of green grass. They are the picture of peace and pleasure. Their tails softly move in a slow rhythm. It is as if they are relaxing to music.

Why doesn’t she join them?

To make it worse, every time she (me?) swishes her tail it hits the electric fence just a little. We don’t seem to notice. So intent are we on reaching for our meager forage.

This is ridiculous. Just go eat the food with the others, I think. You are starving and practically standing on your head to get this crappy grass. You’re actually getting electric shocks every time you swish your tail, yet you don’t move. WTH?!

Why do you think I am seeing this play out before my eyes?

Well, I cannot stop it now. The equine specialist that facilitates for others also facilitates for herself. It’s a gift but sometimes a curse too.

I would love to stay comfortably numb a little longer sometimes.

I have been in a constant battle with my body from as long as I can remember. Contorting into clothes that never fit, fighting with myself at and around meals, starving and binging in a never-ending cycle.

Never could I quite obtain the freedom buffet that these two horses enjoy. I am always uncomfortable, guilty, hungry or uncomfortably full around food. There is NO in between here for me. I am on the hill one way or another.

Until I found another way….

Check back for part two!

Live WISE,

Delena